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ethandf5
04-08-2013, 08:06 PM
Before I copy&paste this big boy, I want to say this is just a draft. Also, I'm not sure that this is the correct section to put it in, but I'm doing this. Again, this is a draft, and editing will take 2x the time I take to make the actual book. Pages can be deleted, easily. Here it is:

"The war on Eldaria has been fought too long. I believe that our kingdom in the heavens shall perish before the prototype will be finished... Send our whole supply into the planet where the destined one resides. SEND IT, NOW!", the war general fell by a spear composed of hardened light and took his final breath, before looking at his running comerade in despair. "Go... now."

"Nate? Hullo, Nate? Hmm... NATE SUNTREN, WAKE UP ALREADY, YOU'LL BE LATE FOR THE FIRST DAY OF SIXTH GRADE! GET UP!
"Agh, uh... what? Oh, it's you Alina. I'll be at breakfast in five minutes", Nate replied to this energetic girl.
He then shoo'ed Alina away, and got ready for breakfast. However, when he tried to get up, he collapsed on the bed and almost couldnt get up for a second. His mind seemed to freeze, and his brain felt like it was burning crazily, almost unexplainable. He just laid down there for a small amount of time, then was able to get up as nothing ever happened. He decided to blame it on how he has a lack of natural vitamins and minerals. Once Nate was ready, he headed down the seemingly longer stairs to a start of a new day, one that would change his life, and one that was also possibly the worst day of the year for him: The start of the school year.

His first few steps onto the playground seemed to echo, like if he was actually just going down a really long, transparent tunnel.
"Uh... hello Nate? You there?", a familiar voice called out.
Then, Nate realised that he was just marching in place with his mouth wide open, like a mindless idiot.
J'zargo must have already made a fool of me by now, huh? I bet so. I'm worse than I think sometimes...
"Yeah, J'zargo? Uhh... I guess I must've zoned out just then. Getting ready for in class, hehe.", I said.
"Nate, you wanna know something?", J'zargo replied
"Uhh, yeah?"
"Your an idiot."
Just then, Nate felt another surge, and collapsed. One half of his brain felt continous shocks, and the other felt as if it were pumping, in and out, in and out, like a heart. Then, once a teacher came over to try and help... it all stopped. Gone. So Nate stood up and started walking away... until he heard a familiar, -sounding, possibly even booming voice.
"Not so fast, mister Suntren!"
Oh man... I'm screwed.
Nate stopped in his tracks right there and then. He turned around, to see his principal, staring right into his soul.
"If you think you can just pretend to 'wither down' in front of our authorities, then you are sadly mistaken. Since it is the first day of school, you won't get detention, however, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.", the principal, Mr. Emerald roared.
"B-but it was real!", Nate replied.
Just then, the bell rang and it was time to go to class. Nate felt reliefed at the timing, and how he wouldn't have to talk to the creeping Mr. Emerald anymore. Nate "quickly jogged" to where he would line-up in class, as it was against the rules to run at all on school campus.

P.S.
This is just the first page-ish part

YesConsiderably
05-08-2013, 01:25 AM
However, when he tried to get up, he collapsed on the bed and almost couldnt get up for a second. His mind seemed to freeze, and his brain felt like it was burning crazily, almost unexplainable. He just laid down there for a small amount of time, then was able to get up as nothing ever happened.

I don't like this. The first sentence is clunky and reads awkwardly - mostly because you use the term 'get up' in such quick succession. I would try to phrase everything after the second comma differently. I'd also drop 'however'.

I do quite like the following line, however.


Nate replied to this energetic girl.

It's kind of quirky. Do more of that.

McConnaughay
05-08-2013, 03:17 AM
There were a lot of errors, for example, there were times when you used "your" when you meant "you're," as for the story, I question the choice to utilize this as an opener. It just seems messy to me, first draft or not, I think it needs some serious revising. Good luck though, I've been writing since I was eleven years old and have finished two novels so far.

BadgerSquadron3
05-08-2013, 08:10 AM
There were a lot of errors, for example, there were times when you used "your" when you meant "you're," as for the story, I question the choice to utilize this as an opener. It just seems messy to me, first draft or not, I think it needs some serious revising. Good luck though, I've been writing since I was eleven years old and have finished two novels so far.

I'm curious about your novels. What were they about? Did you get them published or put them online as an e-book? I am trying to write an e-book myself and would like others takes on them. I don't mean too barrage you with questions lol

Where can one find your books?