Thread: There's still time

by Gordon Keith

Spring break is almost over, but you still have a parcel of time if you desire to recapture your youth or misspend some of it.


South Padre Island, Texas

Slogan: The Land of Unintended Pregnancies

Population: 2,579 normally, 1,002,579 during spring break.

Padre Island is a teeming sea of undulating brown bodies and curdled piles of vomit during spring break, but it is so fun! No other place has garnered its own verb. In fact, "Hey dude, let's Padre!" were my grandfather's dying words. I shot him for it.

Padre was THE place to go when I was in high school, so my parents never let me go there. Instead, my parents checked me into off-brand hospitals for unnecessary surgeries, and then they would go to Vegas for the week. Ask me about GETTING a third nipple. And arm transplants.


Cancun, Mexico

Slogan: The Land of Sharing a Girl With Your Buddy

Population: A lot of Mexicans.

Hurricane Wilma caused massive damage to Cancun and the rebuilding effort has cut spring break attendance in half. But it will rebound. Cancun is no stranger to hurricanes. Locals may remember "Hurricane Gordon" that blew through there about seven years ago, leaving a comet's tail of tall boys and broken condoms in its wake.

I can't fully repeat my Cancun experience in this paper, but let's say that there is nothing better than wrapping some non-breathing dude you just met from Tyler in a hotel carpet and heading to the surf with warm kidneys in your pocket.


South Beach, Fla.

Slogan: The Magical Land of Viral Transmission

Population: Held in check by Roe vs. Wade.

This is where the best eye candy is, but the place is expensive, even in the off-season. I decided to go last year with a couple of buddies. My wife tracked us down and I was served with papers on the terrace of the News Café.

South Beach was clean and friendly as always, but I was a little put off by the cardboard stand of a waving Andrew Cunanan, welcoming partygoers with the dialogue bubble, "Go out in a blaze of glory: South Beach!"

Happy travels.